Not Quite Utter Nonsense

That cow jumped over the moon?
Cool,
But this one here,
Leaps over a lagoon.

One natural barrier,
To the other,
She’s done it so often,
It’s created a crater.

In her mind,
There’s a monster behind,
And so she makes her way,
To the other side.

But then,
Oh! Ah!
The thing has not gone far!
So it’s back to the opposite shore.

Back and forth she goes,
‘Cuz that thing’s so chilling,
Though unseen,
It’s crippling,
The way it’s nasty and mean.

**********

The best place to start,
Has always been at the beginning,
It tends to keep,
The mind from spinning,
Which makes a mixed-up feeling.

So here we go,
It’s time to let you know,
What started this cow,
Living such a shit-show.

**********

A few miles out,
From the mainland,
Is a tiny island,
Where there’s a circus,
Aboard a boat,
That doesn’t float.

It sits on the ground,
Where people come,
From miles around,
Just to hear the sounds,
And see the sights,
Of animals trained in tricks,
And walking proud.

As part of the show,
A cow bows low,
Then gets in a watercraft,
And begins to row.

One day a little baby cow,
Which the ringmaster,
Had recently acquired,
Was told that her training time,
Was starting now.

“Fuck this”!
Thought she,
“From this horror show,
I must flee”!

And so she thought right quick,
Of an escape,
“Because why”,
Said she to herself,
“Should my life be a disaster,
To please that stubby and pudgy,
Unpleasant ringmaster”?

“I wanna be petted and spoiled,
Fed and groomed well,
By someone who’s loyal,
And give chocolate milk,
For royals to drink”.

**********

Soon she put,
The wheels in motion,
And managed quite nicely,
To find her freedom,
By taking a swim,
In the ocean.

She headed towards,
A neighboring isle,
Off in the distance,
A couple of miles.

She thought it seemed,
Small and secluded,
But upon her landing,
It was large and prosperous,
Having vast fields,
Of open grass.

**********

Now this missing animal,
Caused the ringmaster,
To see red,
When he noticed her absence,
Soon after rising,
From his bed.

So being the type,
Of man he was,
He made a rash decision,
And called in on,
The local magician.

Then these two malicious men,
Wrote a revolting charm,
On a piece of paper,
With a magic pen,
And together repeated it thrice,
At the count of ten.

Now there’s a terrible tormentor,
Attached to her,
Causing this bizarre behavior,
But she’s about to get deliverance,
Following a coming,
Supernatural occurrence.

**********

For warring angels,
Are headed that way,
They’ve been waiting all day,
For nightfall,
So they can end this,
Once and for all.

Now it’s dusk,
About the time,
The little cow,
Usually loses her mind,
And these angels surround the lagoon,
Singing one of,
Heaven’s own tunes.

Before very long,
Here she comes,
And the demon,
Along for the ride,
Is sure as shit,
About to feel,
A change in the tide.

As usual,
She’s wild-eyed and prancing,
Because of that thing,
So menacing,
Then all of a sudden,
She’s stopping cold,
And her eyes don’t roll,
Due to the invisible aid,
Of the angelic barricade.

**********

And that was the last time,
That devilish creature,
Got her goat,
And overtook her.

It’s said total deliverance,
Can come from a song,
And apparently,
That’s not wrong.

Chunk, The Chocolate King

**********

He’s not hollow,
He cannot melt,
He can hop like a jackrabbit,
Though he’s got no flesh or bone or pelt.

**********

Oh what a hand he was dealt,
The very first chocolate rabbit,
That one-hundred-thirty-five he is now,
Is not even felt.

Created on a whim,
In an old store-room,
He was a sight to behold,
And caused a new tradition to unfold.

When his campaign was done,
The evening of Easter, 1890,
As soon as the store was locked,
Away he hopped.

That chunk of chocolate,
Ran off like a rocket,
Before he could be melted or dumped,
And it so happens he ran through,
A patch of magic dust,
Blowing by on a gust.

And never was he ever,
Heard from again,
That is,
Not by men.

But when little bunnies say their prayers,
He is the angel,
God sends that way,
And gladly he watches over,
The little dears.

He is ever so big,
And lives in his own,
Hidden grove of figs,
Far from humans,
And their modern rigs.

There’s a hollow in a hill,
Under tree number four,
Covered with a green trap-door.

Carpeted steps lead down,
To a hardwood floor,
In a giant room,
Fitted just for him.

When he first ran away,
From that window front,
In P.A.,
This is where,
He chose to settle,
Hoping no one would find him,
And see fit to meddle.

What’s he been up to,
The last how many years?
Well he calms the fears,
That reach his ears,
From the above dears.

Then makes millions,
Of mini-mes,
In his factory,
Across the street,
Under tree number three,
Which he distributes to stores,
Shopped in by people,
Like you and me.

His brand is exceptionally fine,
And bought to be indulged in,
With fine whiskey or wine,
Oh! Look at the time!
Go and get you one,
Before it’s time to dine!

His life-size bunny plushies,
So many try,
To make their products as perfect,
But theirs all lack,
When compared to the ones made,
By this aristocrat.

**********

Only once,
Did someone think,
He was to eat,
When he was lounging under,
Tree number one,
To get some fresh air,
While avoiding the sun.

But they broke a tooth,
And on him,
Not a mark was left,
So they were forced to flee,
Without a chance,
Of committing the theft.

**********

Bored Bobcat

The night is cool,
The feeling heavy and blue,
And Honda is wired,
Rather than tired.

Honda is a bobcat,
Whose best friend is a muskrat,
Tonight when venturing,
Down to the water,
He saw the most fascinating fire.

Excited was he,
Until he saw,
The space around it not free,
But instead full of people-
Oh, how shitty!

Where, oh where,
Was Muskrat McCaw?
He could sure use his help,
For these humans must beat it,
Though none broke the law.

‘Cuz he can picture it now,
Right before his eyes,
His deer and rabbit friends,
Getting roasted and toasted,
And his own pond of friendly fishes,
Getting plucked one by one,
Then made into fancy dishes.

Off he trotted,
Staying concealed took care,
But it was a must,
For it would be bad to be spotted,
He knew McCaw was ’round about somewhere,
And he’d hurry to help,
Run these fiends off.

Luckily,
McCaw was at home,
So Honda didn’t have,
Very far to roam.

The muskrat lived along,
The river bank,
In a little domed hut,
With an underwater door,
That was never shut.

Tonight,
When his friend arrived,
Puffing hard for breath,
With sweat on his chest,
He was sitting outside,
Gnawing on some leaves,
That had been dropped by the breeze.

“My friend!
A mile down!
We have an appalling group!
Come!
Let’s make ’em drown!”

McCaw gave up his munching,
In favor of laughing,
And in between peals,
He said with zeal,
“There again goes you,
Always exaggerating and hating”!

It took some minutes,
For the muskrat to calm down,
Enough for the bobcat to speak,
And then they devised a plan,
Which would make those peoples scat.

**********

Now of course those peoples,
Were just having a celebration,
And happened to choose,
That for a location,
So they could swim and eat s’mores,
Knowing that their fire,
Was safely away from the shores.

**********

And so,
Off they went,
The muskrat and the bobcat,
Off to make,
The peoples scat.

There was a woods that ran,
Along where shore met land,
And when they got close,
They sheltered there.

The two watched,
With wondering eyes,
As the people put,
Things on sticks,
Then set them,
Atop the fire,
Until by the flames,
They were licked.

They let them blaze,
Until they had a black glaze,
Then blew them out,
And stuck them in their mouths.

Honda crept,
A little closer,
Sniffing the air,
Trying to tell,
What they were cooking over there,
But it smelled like no meat,
He would usually eat.

McCaw,
Who ate no meat,
Sniffed the air,
For there was something,
Delighting his senses,
But he could not place it,
As something he had ever tasted.

**********

Hotdogs and marshmallows,
Were on fire over there,
Being scarfed down by the dozens,
And Honda and McCaw,
Though not knowing what they were,
Decided they must get some,
And didn’t think to worry,
Of repercussions.

**********

The fire was crackling,
And the peoples were laughing,
Dipping cups into coolers,
Then pouring from big bottles,
And drinking down the contents,
When two unexpected visitors showed up.

Those hidden two had inched,
Until they silently joined the party,
And now sat there staring,
Drooling as they licked their chops,
Hoping not to be stopped.

But stopped they were,
Stopped right in their tracks,
By a man in scarlet swimming shorts,
Positioning at them a pistol,
No longer now,
Was the atmosphere blissful.

But neither wild animal,
Had ever seen a gun,
And didn’t know,
The man wanted them to run.

So there they sat,
Still amidst the group of peoples,
Assuming it was anytime now,
They’d get to share the vittles.

Some in the group,
Were scared into silence,
While others grabbed sticks,
And tried to join in the violence,
Until all at once,
Someone who’d had too much,
Awwwwwed at their cuteness,
And then at them rushed.

Stunned was Honda,
As he was grabbed in a hug,
By a raving drunken lady,
As was the gun-wielding guy,
And the stick-picker-uppers,
So no one noticed,
As McCaw moved over,
To quietly inspect and try,
The excess food,
The peoples had set aside.

A few minutes passed,
And the lady backed off,
Going for a little snack,
For her ‘new pet cat’.

Off she went,
Back to the far side of the fire,
And what a loud wail she sounded,
When she saw the muskrat’s tail!

For she thought it was,
That of a rat,
And you know how some can be,
When a wild rodent they see……….

Hearing that,
The gun-wielding man,
Turned his sights that way,
And let a round fly,
Thinking there was no time to be sly,
If he were to prevent,
Anyone else,
From joining his fireside.

But oh!
All he did,
Was knock over the cooler,
And off came the lid,
Spilling the contents,
And seeing the commotion,
To them McCaw ran,
To take advantage of this opening.

He was soon joined by Honda,
Who purred loudly as he ate,
Both stuffed themselves,
To their heart’s content,
And when they turned around,
There were photos being taken,
That later got sent,
To the news on Channel 7.

No one has since been able,
To have a lakeside gathering,
Without these two for company,
Kindly remember to bring extra,
For they’ve both got bottomless bellies.

The Unicorn

For as long as anyone could remember,
It’s said a unicorn,
Has lived on the mountain yonder.

When was he born?
And would he ever die?
Was he maybe a myth?
No that can’t be,
Because some say he’s been seen,
And not just in visions and dreams.

He’s said to be really pretty,
With chocolate hair,
And flaxen points,
With the added flair,
Of a glittery silver horn,
Poking out from the forelock,
That is rare.

Some say they’ve seen him,
In the settlement,
At the bottom of the mountain,
Parading through the streets,
On his four fancy feet.

Legs lifted high,
As he trots,
Hoofs that match his horn,
Pound the pavement,
Each and every morn.

Or so they say,
But it’s happened that multiple people,
Have been in the same place,
At the same time,
And while some swear he whipped by,
Others saw nothing,
And say with an eye roll,
And a sigh,
“They must have been high”.

Many were sitting outside,
At the cafe,
On a morning kind of gray,
When one of the aged,
Said to her grandchild,
“Look at that horse!
It’s that one from the mountain,
Said to be wild”!

But……….
“What horse”?
Asked the small girl,
Standing in her chair,
Hoping for a glimpse,
Of that horse of course.

“That one”!
Exclaimed a young man,
One table over,
“See, he’s just stopped!
Check him out,
Before he runs”!

Now the whole patio,
Was in a turmoil,
Three more could see,
But no others,
And there must have been at least thirty.

The little girl,
Still could not see,
And told grandma stubbornly,
“Your advanced age,
Must be making you crazy”.

“For I,
Not yet quite nine,
Have sight far better than yours,
Which I’m sure is fine,
But definitely no better than mine,
So come now,
Sit down and dine”.

But grandma ignored the child,
For all the five,
Who could see,
Were torn between,
Laughing with glee,
And wanting to turn and flee.

Because the unicorn,
Was a sight to see,
Flaring his nostrils,
And pawing the ground,
After rearing up,
Then coming down,
But his eyes seemed more docile,
Than hostile,
It seemed he was having fun,
Watching the goings on,
Then just like that,
He turned and again,
Began to run.

“Oh look at the tail”!
Shrieked a little boy,
One of the seers,
“It looks six feet long”!
“Yes! It’s marvelous indeed”!
Grandma agreed.

The twenty-plus,
Who saw nothing,
Didn’t know what to think,
So soon all,
Ceased to speak.

Poor them,
Blind to the unseen realm,
Yes they were,
The majority,
But wrong they were,
And thankfully,
Didn’t cause a stir.

Now back up on the mountain,
The unicorn headed,
So he could get rested,
It was always so tiring,
After a morning run,
But it was also fun,
The reactions of the peoples,
While running through their streets,
Past shops,
And places to eat,
Placed among schools with bells,
And churches with steeples.

The unicorn,
Whose name,
By the way,
Was Horn,
Didn’t realize,
That most of the peoples,
To him were blind.

He got a kick,
Out of the excitement he caused,
Not understanding,
That a debate,
Had been ongoing,
Between those who had insistence,
Of his existence,
And those who had persistence,
That he was a fable,
Made to entertain,
At bedtimes and dinner tables.

He just knew,
That everyone became unbridled,
When he strolled through the city,
Yes it caused a commotion,
That made him laugh,
As he played it in his head,
All day in slow motion.

The tale of Horn,
Will continue to be told,
Throughout circles,
Both young and old,
Most believing it fiction,
But an esteemed few,
Know that it’s true.

A Stroll Down Memory Lane

Your head will become,
Quite the circus,
When everything starts to surface,
It’s totally bizarre,
How it comes from nowhere,
But also everywhere.

No matter who you are,
And where you’re coming from,
You’ve seen some shit,
That you can’t forget,
We pack it away,
Until when one unexpected day,
The feelings left behind,
Spring forth in our mind.

The choicest ones,
Are always amusing,
They’ll take you on,
A wonderful walk,
You’ll smile all rosy,
As if smelling fresh-cut lawn,
Or cinnamon buns.

Some seriously sadden,
So sharply and so strongly,
When you go back there,
Bound wounds open afresh,
And you become such a mess,
That it’s a tad in doubt,
If you’ll manage to crawl out.

The worst will beat you down,
Make you good and angry,
So you wear a frown,
Your blood will begin to boil,
As you recall being treated,
Like a bed of rotting soil.

Once in awhile,
There’ll be one that amazes you,
And makes you wish to travel,
Back to when that one particular,
Was a fresh-made smile.

All the while you’re being assaulted,
With this reminiscing,
Some disappointing,
And others satisfying,
As these recollections flood you,
Mind, body, and soul,
Don’t let them take total control,
No,
Not even the happy moments,
Or you’ll end up going,
Down a deep and depressing hole.

You May As Well Convulse Into Hysterics

Why so serious?
Why all mysterious?
Let laughter overcome you,
Fill you up,
Body and soul,
It’s one of the rare things,
That can make a broken soul whole.

Its presence,
Heightens the appeal,
Of a personality,
I look for it,
To come from deep inside the belly,
To consume the whole being,
So much so,
Mind and body become unworkable.

After quick observation,
If one doesn’t possess it,
And would rather stress,
Or beocme depressed,
Communication,
Must come to cessation.

It’s like some peoples,
Have a stick up their ass,
The temperament,
So ramrod straight,
They’re very easy to hate.

I knew someone once,
Humorless and solemn,
Who would have been,
One in a million,
Except he didn’t know,
How to laugh and relax,
So he had to be told,
To make tracks.

One of those all-natural cures,
That’s been around for years,
But no one uses it these days,
Without first checking it over,
Thirty-thousand ways.

A real miracle medicine,
All it’s values are pretty impressive,
It even stops excessive aggression,
Preventing you from committing sins,
Amongst other things.

Better to be loud and bold,
Than cowed and cold,
Despite what you may have been told,
Go ahead,
Get drunk on it,
Altogether lose your head,
Save the gloom,
For your own private tomb.

Made Possible By Snowmen

A Christmas wreath,
Flying through the air like a frisbee,
Grabbed by an unseen hand,
Settled on top of,
A pudgy snowman.

The snowman shook her head,
She was confused,
Feeling something around her head,
She reached up to unseat it,
But it had become fused.

Her head began to tingle,
Where the wreath sat,
And then the bells attached,
The wind made them start to jingle.

Every year,
The very same wreath,
Floats down from the air,
And picks out a snowman,
To help with Mrs. Santa’s Plan.

Someone at the North Pole needs a snowman,
One that isn’t made,
Of their magic snow,
So Mrs. Clause sends out this wreath,
To gather one that she can’t reach.

During Mr. Clause’s,
Christmas Eve run,
Mrs. Santa has things,
She needs to get done,
For something in particular,
She’ll need the help of this one.

You see snow from the outside,
Is the only thing,
That can make things go unseen,
And she wants to hide.

No!
It’s not like that!
She’s not doing anything shady,
But those elves are nosy,
And she wants time to herself,
For a cozy evening,
Like a regular old lady.

So up and away,
Flew the snowman,
And when she landed,
In that Far North Land,
She was greeted by the twin,
Of Santa’s famous deer Vixen.

“My Lord”!
She exclaimed,
Upon looking around,
“I’ve never seen,
So many like myself before”!

“Ah, but they’re not like you”,
Said the twin of Vixen,
“Ours are made with stuff magical,
And cannot do the job,
We’ve collected you to do”.

And so in the short time it took,
To deliver her,
To the Clause’s door,
He provided swiftly,
A brief North Pole history.

Mrs. Clause heard them coming,
And threw open the door,
Calling out a merry greeting,
Around the mouthful of Christmas cookie,
She was eating.

Now Vixen’s twin plodded off,
And the non-magical snowman,
Was left with just Mrs. Clause,
Who explained she needed a night to relax,
A total break,
From the whole Christmas act.

“The elves would take this as a sign,
Of great disrespect,
And my husband would worry,
I wasn’t taking our job seriously,
So year after year,
I bring one of you here,
For the snow you’re made of,
Gives off a poison shine,
And if elves look upon it,
Their eyes go temporarily blind”.

So the non-magical snowman,
Was asked by Mrs. Clause to guard,
Posted right at the property’s edge,
So the elves’ views of the place,
For the next twenty-four hours,
Would be barred.

All throughout the coming day,
That woman had a ball,
She had,
After all,
Waited a whole year,
For this day to fall.

Half was spent lazing about,
Watching un-Christmassy things on her telly,
Then she cooked and ate unhealthy cuisine,
Like sausages with sour kraut,
Before taking time out,
To read a book,
Instead of being,
The elves’ cook.

Peeking out her front window,
She saw the non-magical snowman,
Was still there keeping watch,
But the time was up,
On this trick,
She must get ready,
For the arrival of St. Nick.

It would be another year,
Before she would again be clear,
Of dear Mr. Clause,
And before he showed his face,
The evidence of what happens in his wake,
She must be sure to erase.

For of course Santa Himself,
Would be able to see through,
The non-magical snowman,
As he’s much more powerful than an elf.

Let me tell you gladly,
It does not end badly,
For those flown in to assist,
Mrs. Santa makes damn sure,
They are compensated for helping her,
She turns them magical,
Rather than returning them,
To where the first sign of warmth,
Would have them die a death most tragical.

Hey Little Kitty-Kats

In this classic case,
Of being in the wrong place,
At the wrong time,
They picked up their pace,
When the Strange One,
Opened up his jowls,
And let out a heinous howl.

Being so much smaller though,
The cats were too slow,
And the stray wolf,
In need of a pack,
Turned them,
And now there’s no turning back.

Basic house cats,
They were out on a stroll,
For some Halloween laughs,
And sad to say,
That was the last time,
They’d have a normal-cat day.

It was a fun time,
People watching,
And clawing jack-o’-lanterns,
Until they were unrecognizable,
Until a dog walked by,
Who was quite sizable.

Weird vibes emanated from him,
But they paid no mind,
Until it was too late,
Now running was out of the question,
They were out of time.

*************************

That was last year,
And now it’s been a whole ‘nother year,
Halloween,
Has come ’round again,
It’s been accepted all around,
Although it still feels foreign.

Now they’re wolves,
The Strange One,
Couldn’t find a pack,
His magical abilities,
Made others of his kind stay away,
As though he were overrun with fleas.

Due to lack of fans,
The Strange One took matters,
Into his own hands,
He made his own pack,
Out of house cats.

There’s no way out,
For him now,
Though he’s happy to have a pack,
There’s one thing that,
He cannot stand,
And this is when they meow.

All the other wolves,
Howl and bark,
Sometimes in the daylight,
But mostly when it’s dark,
His mostly talk,
When the sun is up,
And each time they meow,
He wishes they’d just shut up.

*************************

Strangely enough,
The pack is content,
You’d think they’d be upset,
But they’ve got a silver lining,
Because to them,
Their master is in debt,
They’re spoiled rotten,
And they’ll never let what he did to them,
Be forgotten.

Ocean Drama

Wow that’s really,
Beyond belief!
Said the fishie,
To the coral reef.

Rolling his eyes,
At the fishie,
The coral reef,
Asked hey what’s up,
And could you please,
Get to the point already.

You remember that blue whale,
Who went to Yale?
Well he just put up a sign,
Saying our Ocean,
Is for sale!

You don’t say!
Said the coral reef,
To the fishie,
Well thanks anyway!
For ruining,
A delightful day!

Yes way!
I do say!
Said the fishie,
To the coral reef.

All ears now,
The coral reef,
Said to the fishie,
What shall we do?
I don’t want to live,
Owned like it’s a zoo!

I guess it’s up to,
Me and you!
We must save the day!
Said the fishie,
To the coral reef,
With some dismay.

I’ll think on it,
Said the coral reef,
To the fishie,
We must act quick!
If our plans,
Are to be,
Worth a lick!

So the fishie,
And the coral reef,
Thought and thought,
Hoping that in the meantime,
Their Ocean,
Would not get bought.

Time is running out!
Said the fishie,
To the coral reef,
That blue whale,
Who went to Yale,
Just swam by,
With a stingray,
Who assured him,
He could pay!

Oh please help!
The coral reef prayed,
To the Mermaid God,
Whose name was Maud.

Cross your fins,
Said the coral reef,
To the fishie,
That legal papers,
Do not begin!

What about if we,
Invite them both for tea?
Said the fishie,
To the coral reef,
We can use the cafe,
At the bottom of the sea!

Yes! Yes! That’s an impressive idea!
Said the coral reef,
To the fishie,
Spelled tea and tortilla,
If it changes their minds,
We are not committing a crime!

I’ll go and make arrangements,
Said the fishie,
To the coral reef,
And come right back,
When I’ve planned the whole entertainment.

I’ll be right here,
Waiting to hear,
Said the coral reef,
To the fishie.

Ok! Ok!
Have a splendid,
Rest of your day!
Said the fishie,
To the coral reef,
While waving a fin,
And swimming away.

Only two days had passed,
When the fishie came back,
My that was fast!
Said the coral reef,
To the fishie.

The cafe,
At the bottom of the sea,
Is willing to play host,
To avoid tragedy!
Said the fishie,
To the coral reef.

We must hail,
That blue whale,
Who went to Yale,
Said the coral reef,
To the fishie,
And invite the stingray and him,
To go for a swim!

Together they called on Maud,
Who summoned the blue whale,
Who went to Yale,
Now we must hope,
That it’s a short wait,
For him to answer the God,
Said the fishie,
To the coral reef.

The Mermaid God Maud,
Sent an answer straight away,
They’d meet the fishie there,
Tomorrow at noon,
So he’d best go and prepare.

Slap me five,
And I wish you luck,
Said the coral reef,
To the fishie,
For it’s up to you,
To be sure our plans don’t fall through.

Away he went,
With little less than a day,
Before the blue whale,
Who went to Yale,
And his client the stingray,
Would eat the tea and tortilla,
Spelled by the Mermaid God Maud.

Around about eleven,
The blue whale,
Who went to Yale,
Swam by the coral reef,
The stingray following close behind,
And both of them,
Seemed eager to dine.

Soon they were out of sight,
Headed to the Ocean’s bottoms,
And the coral reef,
Hoped the fishie,
Was able to carry out the plans,
In a way that went awesome.

Far far down,
On the Ocean Floor,
The cafe proprietor,
Prepared tea and tortillas,
And before the guests arrived,
The spell sent by Maud,
The Mermaid God,
Was tucked inside.

Welcome! Welcome! Greeted the fishie,
To the blue whale,
Who went to Yale,
And his client the stingray.

Continued he hotly,
I hear some changes,
Are being arranged!
Tell me about,
Your plan to exchange hands,
And how you want to replace dear Maud,
With this here fraud!

The speech was addressed,
To the blue whale,
Who went to Yale,
And at the end a pointed look given,
To the stingray,
Neither of whom,
Seemed to know what to say.

So they swam rapidly,
For the door,
But the proprietor,
Had locked it long before,
Said he to everyone,
Let’s sit and partake,
Of what I’ve worked hard to prepare,
And talk about this,
Rather than throw these fits.

Plates and cups were passed around,
With little red dots,
On the ones meant,
To change the guest’s minds and hearts,
And here the fishie said,
Let’s first take time to drink and devour,
It sounded polite and accommodating,
But was really meant to give time,
For the spell to work its power.

It wasn’t long before the blue whale,
Who went to Yale,
Was followed calmly out the door,
By his ex client the stingray,
Neither one remembering,
What they had come there for.

They had no memories,
From the past few weeks,
This had been assured by Maud,
When she was asked to seek,
The best sort of spell,
To save all who call the ocean home,
From a living hell.

It’s done! It’s done!
We’re safe and can still have fun!
Said the fishie,
To the coral reef.

Wow that’s really,
A relief!
Said the coral reef,
To the fishie,
That could have been,
Such a disaster,
But now it doesn’t matter,
And at that they heard in the distance,
The Mermaid God’s silky laughter.

How To Make Santa Angry

A polar bear,

Without a care,

Was skating mindlessly across the ice,

Thinking about a steaming bowl of something nice,

When down swooped a pigeon,

Who tried to get him to join up,

With some cultish religion.

He turned quickly around,

To get away,

From that awful sound,

And that’s when he heard,

The most welcome noise,

As it ran past him,

So swiftly it was blurred.

It was his good friend,

Elvis Elf,

The one he cared most for,

Besides himself,

And he was singing a version,

Of Jingle Bells,

That would have had Mr. Pigeon,

Saying he was doomed to the Hells.

“Peter White”,

Said Elvis,

When he was close enough to be heard,

“I dare you to help me make Old Santy mad,

Let’s make this song of mine,

A new North Pole Christmas fad”!

And there Elvis began to sing:

“Jingle Bells,

Mr. Santa’s balls smell,

And I wish he’d go away”……….

Laughing,

But at the same time horrified,

He agreed,

To cooperate,

I’ll make it known here,

That this polar bear,

Had a personality snare,

That prevented him,

From turning down a dare.

So the two put their heads together,

To plan what might be best,

As the elf had a vendetta,

With Mr. Santa,

To get off his chest,

And of course the bear,

Was excited to prove,

He was not too pussy,

To perform such a measly dare.

It took some doing,

But their brains finally did figure out,

A way to easily go about,

Making the wild tune,

Something all the North Pole’s peoples,

Would willingly shout.

Old Rudy was taken,

To a cabin long forsaken,

Peter stood watch,

To be sure he got,

The best possible care,

And to make sure,

If any others came by,

His roar would give them,

A gigantic scare.

Elvis distributed a bulletin,

With the lyrics of his shocking song,

And advising,

If they wanted their lead deer back,

They would have it learned,

By the time dawn cracks,

A fortnight from now,

And at the end was written a post script,

Warning if they breathed a word to the Head Man,

They risked being whipped.

It was a different sort of missive,

That got delivered,

To Old Santy and his wife,

It started out “Dear Sir and Ma’am”,

And ended with,

“If you’re not there,

It will cut through our hearts like a knife,

Love and kisses,

Signed,

Your Faithful Elves”.

All day every day rehearsals were held,

Meeting in little groups,

To keep the Boss from finding out,

Yes it would be a most unwelcome time,

For him to start nosing about.

With a foreboding feeling,

All learned each and every line,

And before they knew,

It was time to assemble,

In front of the grove of pines.

The morning of the singing,

Turned out bright and sunny,

And not knowing the truth,

Both Clause’s put on cheery finery,

So they would look their best,

When they went to see,

What pleasures were planned for them,

By these little darlings,

Who barely came up to their knees.

When they pulled up to the pine grove,

Things were very quiet,

So much so,

That against all the brightness and snow,

It seemed almost eerie.

There before them sat,

Rows and rows of elves,

Still and silent as the ones,

Who sit upon your shelves.

In just a moment,

Elvis stepped up to the sleigh,

“Now out you get you two,

And follow me this way”,

He said sans a greeting,

Then walked off towards the special seating.

Soon the Jolly Man and his woman,

Were settled in to watch,

“How blessed we are”,

Whispered He to Her,

But how fast this changed,

To “Let’s get ourselves the fuck out of here”!

When at Elvis’s urging,

All those threatened elves began to sing.

“Jingle Bells,

Mr. Santa’s balls smell,

And I wish he’d go away”……….

And then from around the corner,

Darted the red-nosed reindeer,

For whom during the past two weeks,

The Clause’s had lived in fear,

Of never seeing again,

And he proceeded to tell them all,

About the how’s and why’s,

Of his sudden kidnapping.

Meanwhile the song was coming to an end:

“Jingle all the way,

Oh it’s fun to take and hide,

The one who leads the Sleigh”……….

In Elvis’s eyes,

Things were at long last even,

Between him and the Big Man,

Tit for tat,

After last Christmas’s embarrassment,

He had finally taken a stand.

Oh though,

What an oops this was on his part!

To assume all would resume,

Business as usual,

After that knife he just purposely thrust,

Straight through Santa’s heart.

He thought himself high and mighty,

But Santa was just waiting,

For him to go night-nighty,

Then with a little Christmas Land Magic,

Elvis was modified,

Into a figure most tragic.

When he awoke,

A monster stared back from his mirror,

And as the day wore on,

The fact it was no joke,

Became increasingly clearer.

He was then banished,

To guard the North Pole’s secret entrance,

Their own abominable snowman,

Who walks with a limp,

And a candy cane club,

Being deemed unpardonable,

By both the Clause’s,

For certain there’s nothing,

That can cure this curse.