Clumsy Crissy’s Cupid-Day Crisis

I woke up late,

I really hate,

When things go like that,

But maybe that’s my fate.

 

I thought I’d make up time,

With my roller-skates,

But I tripped,

On a melon rind,

I really hate,

When things go like that,

But maybe that’s my fate.

 

When I got there,

There was a guard,

Posted at the gate,

And he stared me down from afar,

I really hate,

When things go like that,

But maybe that’s my fate.

 

The old fool made me wait,

He didn’t care,

That I was in dire straits,

I really hate,

When things go like that,

But maybe that’s my fate.

 

Turns out I’d,

Mixed up the date,

I really hate,

When things go like that,

But maybe that’s my fate.

 

It’s now lunchtime,

I’d better find some place,

To fill my plate,

And hope I don’t gain eight,

I really hate,

When things go like that,

But maybe that’s my fate.

 

I met a man,

While I ate,

And he seemed great,

But I knew he wouldn’t want me,

In my present state,

I really hate,

When things go like that,

But maybe that’s my fate.

 

I’ve changed from my skates,

And have a smoother gait,

But now it’s too late,

I really hate,

When things go like that,

But maybe that’s my fate.

 

At this rate,

I’ll have to move states,

I really hate,

When things go like that,

But maybe that’s my fate.

 

Back at home,

All my mind does is roam,

I can’t concentrate,

Guess I should lift some weights,

To tamp down the hate,

I really hate,

When things go like that,

But maybe that’s my fate.

 

It’s a new day,

Will it be a clean slate,

Or be filled,

With yesterday’s traits?

I really hate,

When things go like that,

But maybe that’s my fate.

 

*************************

 

All is well,

He took the bait,

We had some dates,

And he’s now my mate,

Maybe the day,

Had to be a brat,

For life to turn around like that.

 

 

 

 

 

That Is Not The Reason For The Season

It’s not about eating candy canes,

Those were created to signify,

He who died.

 

It’s not about whose tree is prettiest,

They’re all wonderful,

Without a doubt,

But that’s not what,

The day is all about.

 

It’s not about a fancy feast,

You should be thinking rather of those,

Walking through your door,

For whom you cooked it for.

 

It’s not about the presents,

Yes the Wise Men gave,

To show their appreciation,

But this Santa thing has been blown,

Tremendously out of proportion.

 

It’s not about the lights,

Those too signify Christ,

And it really would not be a plight,

If you forgot to plug them in one night.

 

It’s not about the carols,

The day really will go on,

If you choose not to hear those songs.

 

It’s not about expensive ornaments,

They are simply,

Unnecessary adornments.

 

It’s not about the stockings,

They solely arose from a legend,

At that First Christmas,

They were never even mentioned.

 

It’s not about the Elves,

They came about,

Just to fill,

Your entertainment center’s shelves.

 

Would not our ancestors,

At that First Christmas be surprised,

With the way the day,

Has been commercialized?

People need to think on,

How and why the Season came about,

Before they go ahead,

And pull their wallets out.

 

 

Mid-December 2018: A Short Summary

Merry Christmas my ass,

There’s nothing holly-jolly here,

It’s a fact I wish,

I could just disappear.

 

Christmas parties just bring problems,

Not worth it to conquer,

At first they’re bright and merry,

Then out come the monsters,

Some hide within themselves.

 

Kill me now,

Why don’t you?

It would be better than dealing,

With the after-effects of this evening.

 

The food was fine,

As was my whiskey,

And probably your wine,

But then the complications come,

Proving that many are just dumb.

 

I’d rather just go home,

Maybe,

I should have come alone,

By myself it could be nice,

No one would be close enough to me then,

To start an undesired fight.

 

Some things cannot be fixed,

Things said,

I know were not misread,

And now,

My “friend”,

I wish I could hit your face,

With a ton of bricks,

Just remember the things done,

Are eventually gonna,

Make me run.

 

 

An Improbable Holiday Happening

In case you happen,

To give a damn,

A thousand miles,

From wherever you are,

In a place quite inaccessible,

By a car,

Lives a Candy Cane,

Who is alive.

 

A Winter Wonderland,

We would call it,

It’s all white and barren,

And populated

By surly Snow Men.

 

Here in this Christmassy place,

Where there are many living Things,

One day there came,

A great storm cloud,

There were gusty winds,

That were terrible loud,

It soon burst forth,

With a sugary rain,

As down poured Candy Canes.

 

Most were devoured,

By all the Snow Men,

But one was spared,

And as he grew up,

It was declared,

That he was sent,

To make the Snow Men repent.

 

You see these surly Snow Men,

Did many crimes,

During their lifetimes,

Because in this lawless land,

One could do whatever,

Without reprimand.

 

Due to his sweet nature,

The Candy Cane became known,

As Mr. Sugar Cane,

And at the age of ten,

Learned his magical powers,

Permitted him to,

Think of a spot,

And be transported there,

On the dot.

 

Through books he learned,

About far-off places,

Where he went,

To meet new faces.

 

Most places he visited,

Just once but maybe twice,

‘Til he happened upon,

A jolly couple,

Old and fat,

And always happily chuckling,

The Mr. made toy trains for fun,

And the Mrs. had a barn,

She kept full of pet fawns.

 

Mr. Sugar Cane,

Visited this place often,

He loved the winter weather,

And the way everyone there,

Got on well together.

 

One day while conversing,

With old Nick and Mary,

Talk turned to the Snow Men,

He started cursing,

And told of their crimes,

Then expressed a wish for his home,

To experience more peaceful times.

 

It was proposed by Nick,

That he could employ,

These naughty boys,

To make tons of toys.

 

A great spell could be cast,

For them to forget their past,

He would call them Elves,

And curse them to always,

Keep toys on his workshop’s shelves.

 

Once a year,

Old Nick would deliver,

These toys to bring cheer,

To small boys and girls,

All over the world.

 

Even the deer volunteered,

To help with formulating,

This Master Plan,

And soon another spell was developed,

Fitting them to fly,

Now they could take,

Old Nick on the deliveries,

As with his old van,

He’d never make them on time.

 

That night when the Candy Cane returned home,

He had some magic stuff,

All sparkly and blue,

He went from place to place,

Where each Snow Man dwelled,

And this dust was felled,

It would take effect,

When next they crossed,

Over their doorstep.

 

They would be conveyed very quickly,

To the world of Nick and Mary,

Now called North Pole,

Where they were unknowingly slaves for life,

Toymaking forever,

With no time to cause strife.

 

Mr. Sugar Cane is still there,

In his Winter Wonderland,

Along with many other living Things,

Who think the place grand.

 

His best friend is a Christmas stocking,

Now in our world,

That would surely set people to talking,

But here,

It’s really not too shocking.

 

Whether or not you believe it,

This story should not be scorned,

As this really was how,

The North Pole got born.

Turkeys Hate Thanksgiving

Tucker Turkey here,

And I’ve just learned that people,

Have a funny way of showing they are thankful,

And I think that it is dreadful.

 

They must be mad,

I hear a feast is had,

And turkey meat,

Is the main fare on to eat.

 

Who decided we are good to eat?

Who came up with stuffing us,

And calling it a treat?

 

I won’t accept this fate,

I won’t, I won’t, I won’t!

Sorry Mr. Farmer,

If your plans are shattered,

But I won’t be being roasted,

And presented on a platter,

I don’t care if you starve,

It won’t be me you carve!

 

I thought I had the good life here,

I am so very fond,

Of my lazy days spent by the pond,

I’d not have guessed,

There were plans to kill me off,

Like one of the poison pests.

 

In one week to the day,

Light will dawn,

On their holiday,

So I must fly away,

To prevent becoming prey.

 

I think I’ll be a city bird,

In a paradise,

Where the weather’s always warm,

And killing their own meal,

Is not the people’s norm.

 

I’ve been told Miami’s marvelous,

And L.A. is lovely,

I wonder if the Sahara,

Would be satisfying?

To which of these places,

With year-round sun,

Should I run?

 

********************

 

I ended up in Vegas,

Where I soon became famous,

So shove it farmer,

‘Cuz it looks like it is certain,

That for me it’s not yet curtains.

 

I like the casinos and the shows,

And how at night,

Everything glows,

Each day I feel excitement,

Here is so different from the country,

Where it was mostly silent.

 

Yes this city’s full of charm,

And I do not miss the farm,

But yes Mr. Farmer,

I most definitely do,

Wish you harm!

 

 

 

 

 

A Re-Written Fairy Tale

Today I must,

For you re-write,

The story of Snow White,

As you read it through,

It may indeed pale,

In comparison to the original tale,

But I swear to you,

Each word is true.

 

Inside a vast forest,

Deep inside and to the North,

Lies a comely cottage,

Inhabited by a beauty called Snow White,

Who lives a simple life,

Happy and at one,

With our Mother Earth.

 

Each day is different though the same,

She wanders out,

And navigates her way about,

Picking herbs and berries,

Until she has all that she can carry.

 

Often she will spy,

A pretty bird in a tree up high,

Or an interesting flower swaying to and fro,

In the valley not far below,

But nothing could prepare her to see,

What she saw this morning,

They were a seriously scary,

And ugly thing to see.

 

A midget and a skeleton,

From the back yea sure,

They only looked like a couple of gentleman,

But upon them hearing our Snow White,

They stopped and turned around,

And there her heart nearly stopped,

Yes it plummeted to the ground,

And her scream was heard,

For quite a distance around.

 

You see she was used to,

Conversing with the animals,

And the occasional passerby,

Normally those out and about this early,

Were nothing like this evil looking,

Spine chilling crew of two.

 

Once her heart beat settled down,

She looked to them with a frown,

And though their words then were polite,

When they walked away,

She could hear them laughing about her fright.

 

Unused to interruptions such as these,

In her commonly calm grove of trees,

Since normally the type to pass through,

Were friendly and sincere,

She went to see Queen Aimee,

Knowing she would lend an ear.

 

After a talk and a drink,

Snow White was calmer,

And made her way back home to think,

Then at some point she fell asleep,

And awoke knowing just,

What to do to these creeps.

 

She had to bide her time,

Not just execute her plan on a dime,

She decided she would wait,

For Halloween to come around,

Then for sure this midget and this skeleton,

Would fall victim to her bait.

 

Her daily routine now has her on edge,

Never has she been so uncomfortable,

In what is normally her element,

The birds are no longer as beautiful,

Nor the flowers as fragrant.

 

Still though she powers through,

She must,

As the things she gathers,

Are her livelihood,

So she deals with these two daily,

While out on her strolls,

And the things she hears from them,

Are never very good.

 

What used to be so pleasant,

Was now nerve wracking and stressful,

There were still the lovely encounters,

With forest creatures and neighbors,

But no matter how much good was present,

Seeing those two would add a touch of dreadful.

 

While picking berries with Queen Aimee,

At a crossroads near her cottage,

Snow White could see the midget,

He was going about his business,

A slight scowl on his face,

She wished then that she could drown him,

In a pot of piping-hot porridge,

Especially when along came his skeleton,

And together they started speaking of her,

The lies they spoke were so vicious,

There was no way now,

For them to ever earn her forgiveness.

 

As the summer wore on,

Fall settled upon Snow White’s woods,

And for her plan,

She began to gather,

The needed goods.

 

She could see without a doubt,

That the midget and the skeleton,

Needed to be taken out,

They always schooled their face,

Into a friendly mask,

Until the unlucky one was gone from their space,

Then insulting talk and mean laughter would commence.

 

These two evil boys went out of their way,

With snide comments,

And nasty looks,

Their despicable behavior,

Made them many enemies,

Amongst this lot of trees.

 

Inside her cottage,

The cauldron smoked and bubbled,

With a brew so potent,

It would take only a moment,

For them to go under,

And leave Snow White and her woods,

Again untroubled.

 

Before long the day arrived,

Time for the annual Halloween bash,

All the forest folk were invited,

Even those two known as,

The neighborhood trash.

 

A great array of gourmet dishes,

Prepared exclusively by our Snow White,

Were set up on a massive table,

Bathed in colorful flashy lights.

 

There was a name card at each seat,

And two had beside them,

An extra-special treat,

A piece of her famous apple pie,

With just enough poison,

To not quite make them die.

 

First there was casino card games and some dancing,

Then to the food tables,

Everyone started advancing,

While they all filled their plates,

Snow White snuck off to hide,

To watch the midget and the skeleton,

Devour their food,

And then her bait.

 

Soon it was time for everyone to go,

All were so buzzed and full,

No one noticed the two troublemakers,

Had been brought down,

By their resident baker.

 

She dragged them inside,

And left them to a lifelong nap,

Where Karma could complete the work,

Their princesses never showed,

At the humble abode,

And as their lips never received their kiss,

They were forced to stay,

Forever like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be Careful, That’s Dandy, Not Frosty

Snowflakes have fallen,

And from this white dust has arisen,

A snowman from Hell,

He’s nothing like Frosty,

But still there is,

A story to tell.

 

It’s said that after the first snowfall,

There is a white cloud that whirls and twirls,

From this he is unfurled,

Then out he steps from that drift alive,

And at the Season’s end,

He bleeds red blood,

When he dies.

 

Winter after winter,

He always shows up,

But spreading joy for the Season,

Is not his reason.

 

He looks like any standard snowman,

Attired in a plaid scarf and evergreen wreaths,

With a wide candy smile,

To mask his intentions,

You’d never guess,

That your stockings and yule cakes,

He wants to thieve.

 

But on closer inspection you’ll realize,

He radiates a chilly vibe,

Like from an Arctic blizzard,

And if you are in tune with your intuition,

Just being near him,

Will cause you to fear him.

 

He’ll make you wish for sun,

He’ll make you wish for sand,

He’ll make you wish to be,

Anywhere but within reach of his hands.

 

He can drink hot chocolate,

And stir it with an icicle,

Neither one will drip a drop,

But this is no miracle,

No,

It’s a creepy kind of magic spell.

 

At a late night sleighing party,

He may seem to fit in very well,

Conversing so cheerily and laughing so heartily,

You’d never guess,

He’s sent here from Hell.

 

Sauntering down streets,

While us people sleep,

You won’t hear a peep,

As he ruins all the children’s snowmen,

Yes he bashes them all in,

For he feels they’re Frosty’s kin.

 

He waves about an enchanted wand,

Disguised as a candy cane,

Your Christmas trees he robs bare,

Nothing did get spared,

And if you’re pissed,

He really doesn’t care.

 

Yeah not at all like Frosty,

This snowman is very naughty,

But since he was not built,

He cannot be destroyed,

Even if for this an army was deployed,

Looks like we’re stuck with him,

Until it warms,

And he can melt,

So keep your fingers crossed,

And hope you are ignored,

Until he melts on the Earth’s floor,

Into a pile of snow and gore.

Ghost Dog

I’m here and I’m there,

I’m really everywhere,

I’m the Ghost Dog,

Traveling all around you,

As a paranormal fog.

 

Few have seen the real  me,

As I died back in ’70,

But sometimes I am revealed,

If I notice you,

And you hold me any appeal.

 

I have traveled the country of my birth,

From Bangor to L.A.,

The reactions I get from those who see me,

Often leave me doubled over with mirth.

 

I spend my nights,

At fancy five-star resorts,

I like staying in suites,

Numbered one-thirteen,

But I’ll use two-thirteen,

As a last resort.

 

I stay for free,

‘Cuz when I float through the door,

They can’t see me,

Sneaking across their lobby floor.

 

I like to take a bubble bath,

In the relaxing Jacuzzi hot tub,

Then prowl the kitchen for dinner,

Quietly though,

So as not to cause a hubbub.

 

I’ll then float down the halls,

And out the exit,

I’m headed to the Tiki,

To snag me some fireball.

 

Daytime is even better,

It’s so interesting,

I go to dog parks,

And make friends who wear sweaters.

 

The doggies can see me,

But their owners cannot,

While we jump and growl in play,

All they see,

Is one pup on a leash,

Who’s for naught acting crazy.

 

This amuses me greatly,

Especially this one little old lady,

She one time shrieked at her fur baby,

“Misty stop it!, or I’ll tell Daddy”!

 

Silly things like this,

Make me pleased to be stuck,

Among those forever dwelling,

In an afterlife,

Spent neither in Heaven or in Hell.

 

It’s not often I materialize,

As an apparition,

But when I do,

Behold,

For I am quite the vision.

 

I am shiny red and pretty,

With bright brown eyes,

From time to time,

I lay at the foot of a bed,

So when someone awakes,

They have a surprise.

 

I suppose I’ll go on,

Decade after decade,

Each day busying myself,

With charming others,

From dusk until dawn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That Crazy Bunny

They call me Easter Rabbit,

And I’m a creature of habit,

I’m around for just a day,

But when I’m gone,

I haven’t really gone away.

 

Where I go,

It is a secret,

But know it’s a happy jolly place,

And when I reappear next year,

Be assured I’ll have made pretty eggs,

To fill each and every basket.

 

Me and the other bunnies,

Keep production flowing all year long,

At the end of a long day,

We tell each other funnies,

While passing around a bong.

 

To quell your curiosity,

About our residence,

It’s an operation and a home,

Kind of like the North Pole,

Except instead of Christmas,

We’ve got Easter in our souls.

 

Though we have similarities,

To Santa and the Elves,

Our businesses have differences,

That reflect our holiday preferences.

 

Carrot cake is baked in place of cookies,

We manufacture eggs instead of toys,

And though Santa’s Deer,

Are some great boys,

To teleport,

Is more my sort.

 

I’m not nearly as picky as Mr. Claus,

Whether you were naughty or nice,

If you celebrate Easter,

I’ll deliver you a basket,

With my own paws.

 

You’d think after five hundred years,

I’d be too tired to wiggle my ears,

And zoom from place to place,

On that one day out of every three-sixty-five,

It seems the whole world,

Wants to see my face,

But I never feel frazzled,

I’m happy to keep up this pace,

As long as the Earth whirls ’round.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Outstanding Ornament

Back in the 16th century,

These people in Germany,

Their unbusy minds,

Were a little bit loopy,

And so they thought up Me.

 

Me, the Christmas Tree,

The one small piece of forest,

That you enjoy making pretty.

 

For years I’ve been growing,

And I’m just the right size,

Now the ground’s frozen,

And I wait,

To be the one chosen.

 

Mistletoe is festive,

And wreaths can be splendid,

Various other evergreen trimmings,

They too have their place,

But the highest honor,

Is reserved for me,

Me, the Christmas Tree.

 

So many traditions include me,

No matter where you go,

It’s me you will see,

Me, the Christmas Tree.

 

I see a man he is coming,

Wielding saw and axe,

He is walking my way,

Oh please tell me that this is my day,

The day I get chosen.

 

Luck was with me,

I’m chosen,

It’s finally my turn,

Now my people make me pretty,

And I stand here,

As my branches are garnished,

Watching their fireplace burn.

 

It makes me happy to stand here,

Next to their fire,

Me tucked in this corner,

Makes the room feel more cozy and warmer.

 

Where I stand there’s a window,

Outside it is snowing,

Through it I see another,

Its branches a-glowing.

 

This time of year,

We are everywhere,

Some of us tall,

Others sort of small,

Of all the charming decorations,

Aren’t we the best of them all?